all by all and deep by deep
by ikuzonos
Summary: Before he had nothing, Jin Kirigiri had everything. (Major Character Death, Alcohol Abuse, Jin/Kizakura)


In his last moments, he was undignified. He screamed, he struggled, he cried. Jin Kirigiri was absolutely terrified, but he thought that if he yelled loud enough, he could be saved.

Perhaps it was all a part of the intense fear radiating his body, but he swore he recognized the laugh of the person standing in front of him. But it was just him and his students, so how could he?

 _Kyouko… Koichi…_

Pressure formed on all sides of his body. It was if he was being crammed into a tin, while being thrown around like a cat tossing a mouse.

His lungs hollered for air, but all the oxygen had been sucked out of him. Fruitlessly, Jin scratched the metal surrounding him in the darkness. Acid burned in his throat, as he spat out the meagre contents of his stomach.

And then began the four thousand kilometre drop from the depths of space.

When his body made impact with the ground once more, Jin had been dead for a long time.

* * *

Just one year out of high school, Jin married his sweetheart, Atsuko Uzuchi. His father hadn't been pleased.

Fuhito wanted him to properly join the Kirigiri Clan. Jin ended up going to work at a diner.

That diner was where he saw his best friend, Koichi Kizakura again. It had been quite some time since they had last spoken. The last Jin heard, Koichi had gone off to become a teacher.

Talking with Koichi was as easy as breathing, and the two found themselves in an easy rhythm once more. Their chats got long and deep again. Sometimes, before Jin was called into work, they'd share breakfast in the park near the diner.

"Ey, Jin," Koichi said, taking a sip of his coffee, "What have you been up to since you vanished?"

Jin rubbed his neck, "Working odd jobs, here and there. Atsuko and I are trying our best to support each other, now that we're married and all."

He could have sworn that Koichi flinched. However, in the next moment, the man was his usual joking self, "So you two finally tied the knot? I figured the two of you would be eloping half way through our final year."

Jin smiled, "Nah, we waited. ...I wanted to invite you. But I had no idea what had happened to you."

Koichi sighed, "The teaching idea didn't go as well as I thought. I'm not that great with kids so… I've been like you, odd jobs and all that. But no little honey to whisper sweet nothings in my ear at night."

Jin snorted.

They said goodbye here, both of them had busy days ahead. Koichi disappeared for days after that, and when Jin saw him next, he was hardly the same.

Instead of a twinkle and a smile, Koichi's eyes were bloodshot, and he carried a silver flask next to his heart. His breath smelled of whisky and cheap liquor, and Jin decided that it was better not to ask him.

* * *

Kyouko Kirigiri was born in early October. She shared Atsuko's gentle lavender eyes, and Jin loved her to pieces.

Koichi was to be her godfather, at Jin's insistence. Koichi had amazingly, not refused. He had become so very distant lately, but he had stuck close to Jin's side, something that he was grateful for.

Kyouko came to love her Uncle Koichi, who always arrived clean shaven and sober. Who would babysit on a moment's notice, who sometimes seemed to be the fourth member of the family.

Jin kept the thought out of his mind often, but Kyouko loved her uncle to pieces, and it made something about him feel sick. He'd always turn his gaze to Atsuko, who would sit at the kitchen table by the window, and then he'd feel better, before feeling worse.

Her dark red hair contrasted with her ever paling skin, something that made his skin crawl. Had she always looked this way?

When Jin asked, she admitted that she'd been feeling a little sick, but that she'd be okay in a few days.

* * *

Jin swung Kyouko around, raising her up up into the sky. She was four years old, and wore the brightest smile he'd ever seen.

Koichi called out, "Hey, stop moving! I can't get a clear picture if you keep squirming!"

Jin heard the click of the camera, and smiled, as Kyouko waved her arms in the air. This distraction was nice, with gentle breezes rustling their hair.

The three of them would food things like this often. Jin remembered one morning in particular, where they sat in a sunny field, with flower crowns in their hair. Kyouko had made them herself.

These simple things became the most important things they had, because if they let their minds wander from the happy memories, it would all come back to Atsuko's hospitalization.

* * *

She was getting worse.

Jin visited her, but Atsuko was becoming unresponsive. She still smiled at him, but she did little besides sleep.

Once a week, he would drop Kyouko off at her grandfather's house, and then pick up Koichi from his apartment. From there, they'd go to the hospital.

The visits were long, but to Jin, they lasted mere minutes.

When the doctor arrived with Atsuko's evening medication, Jin would be ordered to leave.

He'd come into the waiting room, where Koichi would be standing.

The man never came to see Atsuko himself, saying that he couldn't bare to see her like this, but Jin was so thankful that he was always there, always waiting.

They'd go sit in Jin's nasty old car, smelling of motor oil, ham, and carpet cleaner, and talk a little. Then just before they drove away, Koichi would squeeze Jin's hand.

It was a gesture of comfort. It made Jin feel safe.

Privately, Jin wondered where he'd be without Koichi.

* * *

It was late spring.

Jin almost wished that he hadn't been there, that he'd had to find out on the phone.

But no, Atsuko Kirigiri's heart came to a stop when he was sitting right there in a plastic chair, gripping her hand.

She had no special last words, not like in the movies where the death scene stretches over twenty minutes, and has the dying character empower the protagonist. She didn't say his name one last time, or utter an 'I love you.'

Atsuko merely passed.

It all became a blur in the instant after the monitor began to scream. Doctors rushed in and Jin was pushed out, and it wasn't for a good twenty minutes that a nurse arrived to explain that Atsuko was gone.

His movements back to the lobby were stiff and robotic. Koichi looked up when he arrived, his mouth halfway to a question, but froze when he saw Jin's face.

Instead of speaking, he gently led Jin out. They sat silently in the car, on the ripped up seats, until Koichi reached out and squeezed Jin's hand.

Jin looked over at his friend, desperation filling him. He moved closer to Koichi, and Koichi did the same, until there was no space in between them.

When they broke apart, they locked eyes, and Jin was looking at a drunken man who was more sober than a priest.

Not even an hour since Atsuko's death, and he was already kissing someone else.

But it had always been Koichi, right? Who he came to when he was afraid, who he trusted more than anyone in the world?

Wasn't it _always_ Koichi that he had loved?

Bile rose in his throat, but he didn't even protest as Koichi insisted that he drive, even though he lacked a license. Jin didn't trust his own hands not to shake and lead them off the road.

Koichi took them back to his apartment. When Jin tried to speak, Koichi said, "You can't face Kyouko-chan looking like that. We'll clean you up first."

Koichi led Jin up the stairs, and into the single bedroom flat. Jin lay down on the sofa, while Koichi ran water in the kitchen.

He pressed a damp cloth to Jin's forehead, and slowly he sat up. His stomach churned.

Here was Koichi, doing everything he could to help him, and Jin hadn't even spoken a word to him.

Koichi slipped closer to him, and took Jin's hand, squeezing it. But unlike usual, he didn't let go.

Their eyes met again for a brief moment, and then just like in the car, their lips met in a wild entanglement.

Scattered thoughts rolled through Jin's mind like a raging river, or perhaps moreso like blood pouring from an open wound. His breaths were few and far in between, but he was so desperate, so alone.

 _I'm a cheating shit, my wife is dead, he smells like old whisky, Kyouko has no idea, he's so warm I taste like ashes but I haven't smoked in years why is he my only comfort his lips are soft I think we're both drunk I want to hold him in my arms forever how am I going to be a detective now he is safe my wife is dead cheating cheating cheating!_

 _Kyouko has no idea._

Jin sucked in a ragged gust of air, and then moved back into the embrace of his best friend, no longer listening to the shouts of his conscience.

Atsuko was dead, and Jin was overflowing with regrets.

* * *

He phoned Fuhito, only half expecting him to pick up. He did, thankfully.

"Hm? Has something come up?" Fuhito grumbled.

Jin replied slowly, "Is it possible… For Kyouko to stay the night?"

Fuhito paused, considering the question, "I suppose. What happened?"

Jin took a deep breath, "Atsuko is dead. I… I can't…"

Fuhito let out a grunt, "Understood. I'll make sure Kyouko is well looked after."

"Thank you," Jin said.

Fuhito said, "I presume this means that you will finally be truly joining the Kirigiri Clan after this? Kyouko is a budding detective, I'm certain she wishes to join the family business."

Rage rushed through Jin's body, and he hissed into the phone, "My wife is _dead_ , and you want me to come and join you?!"

Without waiting for a response, Jin slammed the phone back onto the receiver.

"Rot in hell, old man," Jin spat, before tears pushed at his lids again.

He stayed overnight in Koichi's apartment, and lay on his couch in the darkness. The spackle above formed shapes that if he blinked, he could not find again.

And as he stared holes into the ceiling, he found his mind not on Atsuko, not on Kyouko, not even on Fuhito, but on Koichi Kizakura, and his stupid hair and ridiculous hat and the smile that drove him crazy.

But he could not stay. Not like this.

* * *

Kyouko looked up at him oddly.

"Your mother is no longer with us," Jin had said softly, trying to keep himself from crying again.

Kyouko said, "Well, I know she's in the hospital. So she's not in the house with us… Is this a mystery, dad?"

Koichi spoke gently, as if his speech was blessed by angels, "Kyouko-chan… She has passed on to a better place."

Something in her face fell, "...She… Mom died, didn't she? Is that why Uncle Koichi is here? He… He always cheers you up when he's here… You need him to stay cheerful…"

Kyouko didn't seem to realize the conclusion she had come to. When it finally hit her, tears welled in her eyes, and she grabbed onto both Jin and Koichi, crying her eyes out.

Jin held her close to his heart, as she soaked his shirt with her tears. Koichi kept a hand on his shoulder for support, and they stayed there for a good long time.

And night came, and Koichi stayed in the Kirigiri house, curled up in the armchair by the fire. Kyouko lay in his lap, exhausted and sad.

And Jin watched, watched the people he loved so dearly, as they were vulnerable to the deafening silence of the witching hour.

And morning came, and the two discovered that Jin was gone, leaving his daughter behind with his best friend.

* * *

Jin went off the radar for several years. He moved cities, he took on new jobs, he got as far away from Hiroshima as he could.

Kyoto was nice. Kyoto had more job opportunities.

Koichi still texted him, and Jin read every one, though he never responded.

 _Koichi: kyouko-chan likes school. her teacher is nice, and her classmates are friendly_

 _Koichi: she misses you. we tried calling, i wish you had responded_

 _Koichi: i hope you're safe_

Sometimes, his messaged were comforting.

 _Koichi: i miss you_

 _Koichi: today, kyouko-chan asked about you_

 _Koichi: i told her that you loved her very much_

 _Koichi: she says she loves you too_

Other times, not as much.

 _Koichi: she's becoming colder_

 _Koichi: she'll be starting middle school soon_

 _Koichi: she doesn't call me 'uncle koichi' anymore y'know_

 _Koichi: i'm 'kizakura' now_

 _Koichi: it… hurts_

And then, the messages became hard for Jin to read.

 _Koichi: today kyouko-chan told me she's going to go live with her grandfather_

 _Koichi: i told her that i'm here to look after her but she insisted_

 _Koichi: she said she's gonna join the whole detective clan thing_

 _Koichi: i'm sorry jin i tried to stop her._

It managed to get worse.

 _Koichi: i've started drinking again_

 _Koichi: i know i know but i cant help it_

 _Koichi: you're gone kyouko-chan's gone_

 _Koichi: i have nobody to be sober for any longer_

 _Koichi: you dont read these texts i dont know why i bother_

But the most horrible part was just ahead.

 _Koichi: kyouko-chan hates you_

 _Koichi: saw her again for the first time in ages_

 _Koichi: tried to talk to her, she told me to get lost_

 _Koichi: apparently she never wants to see either of us again_

 _Koichi: i tried jin i did_

 _Koichi: i hope you can forgive me_

And then Jin blocked Koichi's number, because then it was too much.

He was a janitor and then he was a teacher and now he was set to be the new principal of Hope's Peak Academy, a school for the gifted and talented.

He wasn't a father. Not since he left Kyouko all those years ago.

Jin Kirigiri was a walking disaster who merely occupied the shell of a man.

* * *

Koichi sat in his office, twirling his hair around his finger. He had come to work as the talent scout for Hope's Peak, at Jin's recommendation.

It was certainly strange to see the man before him after all this time. He looked no different, taller and more shapely perhaps, but it was still the same man he last saw fast asleep on the armchair in his old house.

They didn't speak. Perhaps Koichi was angry, or maybe he didn't know what to say. All Jin could think of was, ' _I'm sorry.'_

But that wasn't something you could apologize for, not like that.

So they didn't move, they didn't even look at each other, until it was the end of the day, and Jin was preparing to leave.

Koichi had come up to him from behind, and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Eyes locked. Lips met.

And then things were nearly almost the same.

But Kyouko was still gone. Kyouko was not coming back.

* * *

Chisa Yukizome was to be the assistant homeroom teacher. In truth, she was taking over Koichi's job all but officially.

Jin didn't mind. It was hardly a breach of ethics, if the assistant teacher looked after the students. And it gave him the opportunity to remain closer to Koichi.

Even though they had to act slightly professional in front of the others.

As soon as Chisa had left, Koichi moved up to the desk, "Chisa hasn't changed a bit from her student days, has she?"

Apart from her change in hair colour, no, she hadn't. She was the same spirited person she was before. That gave Jin small comfort that some people didn't change.

Kyouko was studying overseas. He had phoned her once. She only answered because she didn't recognize the number. She sounded so formal, and so grown up.

As soon as he revealed his identity, she'd hung up without a response.

Supposedly, Fuhito wanted her to take over the Kirigiri Clan when he retired. Jin was hardly surprised, she certainly seemed to have a knack for it.

Still, he hated that he had not been there to guide her alone, that he had just _left._ Why did he do that? Why did he think it would be okay to just run away from his problems?

Humans can't escape their pasts. If it doesn't catch up naturally, you'll just invite it to your house for tea one day. Fragile creatures are unable to keep old memories behind them.

* * *

"You've… scouted her?"

Koichi shrugged, "She's been… showcasing her talent. I don't remember much about what your old man used to say, but I do know that you're supposed to keep low profiles."

Jin nodded, "Indeed."

Koichi continued, "But Kyouko-chan is _trying_ to get noticed. Not just by me, or the other scouts, but by the media too. She wants to come to the school."

"It is the best school in Japan," Jin said.

Koichi snorted, "She's coming here for you, Jin. Don't even act like the thought didn't cross your mind, she wants to come see you."

Jin sighed, "And do what? You told me yourself, she hates me."

Koichi looked up at the ceiling, "Who knows? But there must be a reason."

* * *

" _I wish to sever all ties with you."_

Kyouko's words hung in Jin's head. That was it? She went out of her way to arrive at the school, only for that?

 _No._ Jin thought. _I won't lose you again._

* * *

Bit by bit, he became Kyouko's father again. She was still touchy, still bitter, but she was not the harsh, cold woman he had met on the first day of the new school year.

With everything going down at the school, from the student council murders, to the riots, Hope's Peak Academy needed a detective to find the truth.

Jin needed Kyouko.

And though Kyouko would never admit it, deep down, she found herself needing him too.

* * *

Falling.

Jin Kirigiri was falling, and he was _dying._

His lungs were close to bursting, but the only things going through his mind were of the people he was about to lose.

Koichi, would he fulfill his promise? Would be _be able to_ fulfill it? Or would he recede into nothing but a slobbery, drunken mess, alcohol being his only comfort?

Kyouko, would she survive? Would she be able to move past it, or were unhealthy coping mechanisms like abandoning your family in the middle of the night hereditary?

Falling, falling, falling, _dying._

Dead.

(Fuhito's voice and Atsuko's smile and Koichi's lips and Kyouko's gaze and yet despite all the hope in his life, Jin Kirigiri was still the first victim of the despair inducing game of mutual killing.)


End file.
